The Drunkard’s Guide To “Bar Hopper”

There is a big difference between an evening of bar hopper and one night of being rooted at one bar. It’s the same as the difference between the street-corner wino and the free-ranging hobo.

He views the vast landscape of Los Angeles from the open doors of a moving boxcar. He gets ripped by strange hooches and he tries Manischewitz in New York. He can make stew master splinter from dirt and an old shoe. However, your local wino knows how to make stew out of dirt and an old shoe.

Road hobos need to be more organized than street winos, and the same goes for bar hoppers. A mobile army tends to disperse, and without proper organization your bar hopper gang (you must always barhop in a group) will crumble by the third bar that you hit travel size sunscreen.

Another thing. The two things you are not able to do is bar hopper or pub crawling. Pub crawling is a predictable event that you can plan ahead and know which pubs you will be attacking. Bar hop is, in its most basic form, a wild spectacle that doesn’t know where it will go. It knows where it is going, and how fast.

The Five Cardinal Rules of Bar Hopper

1. Make your entrance en masse. Your gang may be dependent on more than one mode. Gather your friends in front of the bar to make your grand entrance. You will lose your fight for the booze if you try to smuggle in pieces.

2. 2.) Everyone must be present to take a shot. Why? Unity. Unity. You are not a bunch of untrained irregulars who stumble from defeat to defeat; you’re a professional army that rolls over an ever-fleeing enemy. When you march into a full bar hopper, the army will scatter; the call for shots will rally the troops.

3.) You should not spend more than 45 minutes at each bar hopper. You will be less likely to leave if you stay longer. Empires are built by moving, not hiding behind bars. You should feel the urge to flee as soon as you enter the joint.

4.) Accept your losses with grace As the night progresses, you will accept losses. You will lose your money as the night progresses. Do not try to convince a traitor to join your ranks by hanging around a bartender all night. You are a ghost to him now. Keep moving, bayonet and bury the dead.

5.) Expand your tribe. Individuals and members of other gangs will be inspired by your quest. Let them. Accept their strengths and indoctrinate with the rules of your army. This will make your gang even stronger.